I would like to confess something.
It took me some time to accept what I am about to tell you so pardon me for taking too long.
Deep breath .. here it goes.
If you follow this blog, you may see that I talk about myself a lot. I talk about how different and strong and independent and how I am okay on my own and my life.
But the truth is, I am not sure. I don’t know who I am. Maybe I wish I knew by making those compositions and claiming it that it is me, that what I am feeling right at the moment of writing is normal and acceptable because of who I am as a person. Maybe not.
It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and I am down at the corner of my sleeve, I took a deep breath and recalled what is needed to be recalled.
For the longest time, I used dismissal as an escape. Every struggles, complications with people, failures, negligence and more, I wasn’t able to fully embrace it, accept it as what it is, even moved on from it – because I never truly recognized it happening to me.
Out of habit, maybe, my subconscious adapted the idea of disregarding it all, of believing that I don’t care, of holding on to the idea that I am going to be okay on my own, that I don’t need those things on my life and that I am a bright shining ray of positive vibe.
Again, for the longest time, maybe, I chose to believe that. I chose that definition of myself to me. I chose to live that way. I chose to believe that it’s real and it’s me.
And now, I am at my most vulnerable. Recognizing these thoughts about myself disappoints me, to be honest. And I am sorry if I’m disappointing you, too.
Maybe, I am not what I think I am. Maybe, I am not what I am supposed to be. Opening up to this reality, I can’t even have a solid answer to questions about this person anymore.
Am I really the person who I think I am? Am I okay with everything in my life? Do I feel content about this persona branding and accepting it to be true? Am I pretending all these time?
Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. I’m not even sure.
Because you know what. I chose to believe what I chose to believe because it’s easier that way. Pathetic and lame, I know. I’m sorry.
I can’t afford to lose myself while I am out there losing others. I am not allowing myself to recognize heart breaks because I won’t be able to handle it in one piece if I do. I cover it up because I am just too weak to find any rescue, even accept that I needed rescue.
I made myself too busy in crafting my titles and making people believe that what I hand you is what you get. Now, once and for all, let me break down my walls..
I am tired. I am tired of pretending that I am not. I am tired of living up to the expectations of other people. I am tired of achieving things because that’s what people expect from me. I am tired being branded as the unbreakable one, because I do break a lot inside. I thought about quitting the idea of being the bigger spoon. I don’t want to be the bigger spoon. Not always. I want attention; I also need attention, care, and comfort. I need someone whom I can listen to, to challenge my thinking, to encourage me, to direct me, to lead me, to be my superior. I truly want someone to tell me what to do, to say things that it’s okay not to be okay, that I am flawed and imperfect and a failure BUT IT’S GODDAMN OKAY. I am tired of asking ‘How are you?’ and not be able to answer it back. I am tired of wanting and waiting for a day that I will answer that exact same question. I am tired of holding my tears and eventually forgetting it. I am exhausted of not being vocal about my disappointments mostly from people closest to me. I am exhausted of taking others position because they simply cannot live up on their role for me, for everyone, for themselves. I am tired of feeling nothing, of choosing to feel nothing. I am tired of walking away even though all I ever wanted is to stay. I am drained of the unending attempts of trying to fit in. I am tired of epitomizing a perfect composure. I am tired of being the Always.
My knees are shaking and I can’t barely recognize myself in the mirror (cliché). I am not sure who this person has become. I am not sure who this person was.
I’m sorry. I said that three times in one post. This blog deserves that at least. I owe you that.
Maybe I’m a lost cause. Maybe I just need attention, or a boyfriend. Maybe, I just need to be home. Maybe, I just need to eat. But there, you read it right. The way you view me may change forever because of this article, it freaks me for sure, but I am giving this to you anyways.
I know you don’t, but Thank you for trying to understand.
PS. Hoping for brighter days!