Have you ever been unsure in your life you question yourself if you’re really alive or not?
I have been through some shit, but this one .. I just can’t get past it. All these years, running around in circles, all the make believes, all the hiding, all the false hopes, has come to fruition.
I have always thought that this is what I want, that this should end like this, that this is what I need to happen in my life. But why am I hurting? So much. It’s consuming me.
What it is about love and happily ever after? What it is about that shit? Have you ever thought that it’s just too cynical for people to believe that it could happen to them on the way that they want, on the time that they want, on the person that they want? that they love? It’s too much. It’s torture.
I have never lost faith in love, I tell you, just to be clear. But I’m losing faith on myself, on my capability to love and to be loved. I’m a walking time bomb. I AM A TOTAL MESS AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIX MYSELF.
I keep hurting the people I love. I keep pushing away the people who I wanted to stay. I keep digging my own grave. I keep choosing to be miserable.
Disaster is an understatement.
Why? I should be relieved right now that I got what I was asking for. Somebody just gave it to me. But why? Why all these?
All the crying. All the regrets. The flash backs. The what ifs. The regrets. The regrets. The regrets. The crying. WHY?
I have been confused for so long but when someone just put the period on my long going dilemma, giving me the answer that I desperately believed to be the right one, I lost track on my alphabet, I can’t even remember what were the questions. Am I that hopeless?
The hardest part of living is taking breathes on the short pauses of sobbing.
I love him so much. And he’s tired. And it’s all my fault.