I wish I would regret the day I told you we can’t be any greater than friends. I wish I would regret the day I asked you to give up. I wish I would regret the day I pleaded you to stop. But I am not. I cannot. Because you deserve my honesty.
I am sorry. These are the only acceptable words for me to utter right now. I’m sorry that I never looked at you the way you wanted me to. I’m sorry that I never felt extravagant thunderstorms when you told me that you love me. I’m sorry because I can’t give you the only thing that you ever asked from me.
I know my words sting and that it hurts you. I would accept if you say that this is so mean of me. I would understand if you would be angry. For some reason, I want you to be. I want you to be angry with me. Hate me. Never talk to me again. Make me feel I did the wrong choice. Silly it is, but I can’t stand seeing you stay by my side and act like everything’s okay and that you’re okay after what I said because that’s what you always do. But you are not okay. And it’s not okay. It aches me seeing you like that. It aches me leaving you like that.
You may not understand even if I tell you in seven languages how valuable you are to me, but I can’t just love you romantically.
Because you’ve been with me since the beginning. You’ve been there all the time. I got so comfortable enough I don’t want anything to change.
And I have loved you, too. Platonic. It doesn’t felt thunderstorms because it was fireworks. And it has been the most precious thing I have since then. And now, you are taking it back because you wanted us to jump off the bridge.
I have thought of jumping off that bridge, but I want to do it by myself. Call me selfish but that’s just the way I want to do it. I did not anticipated that you would ask me to.
And I hated you. I hated you for being the nicest person in my life. I hated you for being the closest thing I have next to my lame sarcasm. I hated you for falling in love with me. How could you?
It hurts. It hurts to see you hurt. It hurts more knowing I am reason why you are hurting. Because you deserve the love you are seeking. You deserve the love you are asking. And I can’t give you that. I am so sorry.
not you. It’s me, too.