I know what you’re thinking. That I am being mean about this. I AM ACTUALLY. This is my anarchic piece of the internet. I will write whatever I feel like. I AM NOT ANGRY.
I am having my days, whatsoever. I’m no expert on this one. Pun intended. Anyways, I will still write this thing and I’m serious about it. This is the fruit of seven (7) years of accidental research. Pun intended, again.
Yup, my sense of humor is gold.
Yup! Okay, I’ll proceed.
This is how you friend zone,
(1) If you are working on a long-lasting-fairy-tale-like-i-love-you-happily-ever-after, stop reading. You don’t need to know these stuff. Promise.
(2) Always use the words “bro”, “dude”, “friend”, etc. If this is Geology, #2 is the most abundant rock on this planet. Just like Usain Bolt, this is the most fastest way to score touchdown to friend zone.
(3) Do the most mundane things when you’re with him/her. On this part, I am assuming you are already sensing something about your homie. You may be terrified about how things may change if he/she would declare war any time soon. Keep calm. Keep reading.
(4) Do not be awkward about it. Never show a hint about you feeling awkward or tied up when he/she is around. He/she may have the wrong clue.
(5) Avoid eye contact. When having a group conversation, try to be engrossed by the presence of everyone. When you two were left alone and when both of you need to converse about anything and everything, sit on the same side. Be comfortable.
(6) Tell him/her about all your exes, heartbreaks, the person you’re currently interested in, your crush, etc. Make time for story telling, send late night text messages about your crush saying Hi to you;
(7) And Thank him/her. For listening intently to your nonsense. Never skip the part where you tell him/her “Thank you that you’re always there” when you needed someone to talk to, and how you consider yourself lucky for having such an awesome friend.
(8) Hang out in groups. When he/she asked you for a day out, ask if his best friend would come or if you’re allowed to bring your best friend. (Sorry, Am I being evil? I am? Oh.)
(9) Act as meh and as bleh as possible when you’re together. Just be yourself. Burp, fart, chew with your mouth open, make it sound if you want, talk with your mouth full, name it. Just don’t go overboard, act only enough to establish a comfort between you two, not to the point that he/she might think that you are unfit in this society.
(10) Don’t send flirty text messages. Uh oh. Don’t dare.
(11) Rather, tell him/her the flings and hook ups you had the other day. In details, 50-Shades-Of-Grey level.
(12) And of course, always drop the bomb by saying “Thank you for being my best friend.”
(13) Better yet, “Thank you for being the brother/sister I never had.”
—– A MOMENT OF SILENCE —–
Go now, the enlightened one. You have been schooled.
PS. Do you hate this article? Me, too. Read again the first word on this post.
PPS. Nah. Seriously, just go talk to him/her. Your honesty would be the best you can give to him/her. You don’t need me to do that.
PPPS. The serious (real) article about Friend zone would be the next one. I am sorry for wasting your time. Don’t hate me.