F to H

Dear friend,

On second thought, you never really are my friend, aren’t you? You never considered me to be one no matter how hard I try to reach out and blend in. You have built that wall so high were you pretend to invite me in and yet you locked me outside.

For years, you have that mask on. You smile at me even if its crystal you never really liked me. What’s wrong with you? Why can you just tell me you don’t want me lingering around? Why do you have to pretend? And here I am, figuring out all the clues but still trying to fit myself to someone who never really welcomes my presence. Who was the greater fool? I think it was me. I wasted my time and effort for you. Really, I was a fool. You really are not worth it.

But you didn’t stop there. Yes, I distant myself on you. I made a choice to stop believing you and I could work whatever this thing is between us. And yet, you still carry that hatred in you. What happen to you to hold such a grudge? What did I do?

I know you won’t answer me because it gives you comfort to know that I’m suffering with my questions unanswered. I was miserable I admit. I have realized that my middle name was “Why can’t I fit in?”

I was affected, you see. Now you know, you happy? Yes, I cried myself to sleep. Yes, I woke up every morning sad. Yes, I wondered what’s wrong with me. Yes, I go insane each time we were on the same room, I wonder What to say to compliment you, What to do to let you feel that what I’m offering is genuine friendship, What to do to keep my silence so people won’t notice me for you not to hate me more, What to behave for you to realize that I’m worth the risk to be called as Friend. But you never did. You drag me down, baby. Everytime.

I wonder, Why can’t you just accept me for the things that defines me from other human being? Why can’t you just be that person who accepts the differences of people? Why are you so shallow? Why can’t you understand that people are people and that they can be annoying or two but you just have to embrace it because we are just mere human beings and human beings are pretty good on annoying other human beings? The least thing you could do is to understand the magic and complication of life. You are so selfish. And I hated you. But what’s silly is that I hated myself even more for trying to reach out to someone who is ready to cut my hand the moment I’m within his/her reach. A fool I am.

I hate to admit but at some point, I envy you. You are friends with my friends. And what scares me is that, somehow, you draw my trusted friends near you and away from me. You make them believe that I never really deserve them. Well, do you? If you do, well you really are some kind of a person, huh. I’m just going to leave it up to them. For all the years I have them in my life, I know them and they know me, and I trust their judgment. May it be in my favor or not. Besides, I value quality more than quantity.

So I stood strong. I have put my faith on the thought that I can do things by myself, that I don’t need someone like you for me to be happy, to feel content, to enjoy and appreciate life, to be successful. And I did. I’m living my life to the best that I could. And I am truly and genuinely happy.

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me one of the greatest lesson life could offer – that it’s okay not to please everybody. I totally understand that in this life, we will have those people who will never truly like us much more love us. So I swore to all the moments I felt a less of my worth, I WON’T LET YOU BOTHER ME, not again, not close, not ever.

By the way, where are you now? You must be proud of yourself for making me greater than who I was before. My sincerest gratitude for your existence and for all you’ve done.

Also, as much as it breaks my heart, I would like to apologize for all the friends who have genuinely, deeply, truly, passionately love and accepted me for who I am and what I am. I know I have insulted you for settling less for people who never really understand what “genuine” and “love” and “friendship” means. I am at my best because you have made me grow and you have embraced me no matter what my flaws and idiosyncrasies are. You are the ones who deserve to be treasured for a lifetime.

So for you, hater who were once my friend, or not, You did break me, but I am whole again. More polished than before. And if one day we cross our paths again, do yourself a favor and stop pretending. Be kind to yourself, well at least you deserve that.

Happy and Free of guilt,

The genuine friend you never had and you never will


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